I think we all (BPD or not) tend to compartmentalize negative emotions. We close them away in a room so that we can revisit them if necessary but on the whole we choose to move forward without dwelling on them. Sometimes we recognize that a negative emotion should be addressed through sharing it with a friend or partner. For an emotionally normative person, this means peeking into that room, retrieving the emotion, discussing it with either the person who may have caused it or a loved one and ‘poof’ - it disappears. But for a person with borderline, opening the door to the room of our negative emotions isn’t so simple. Just opening it a small crack often causes an uncontrollable flood.
Tonight is a perfect example of this phenomena in my relationship with my fiancee. Things have been going great as of late between us… I have been dealing with minor upsets and disappointments easily internally and the other day was even able to address one without allowing the flood of negative emotions to overcome me. The day had gone well. We met for a long walk in the park. Afterwards we broke for an hour or so so that he could go take a shower before going to dinner with his parents. I decided to go home and make myself look extra attractive for the evening ahead. We had planned a night of quiet intimacy - something that had been lacking due to the flu, kids, stuff to do … a variety of things. When he arrived to pick me up, I was disappointed to see that he had not showered and was still dressed in ‘grubbies’. This is where the evening began to go downhill.
I am going to recount my progression of emotions as best as I can 12 hours after the fact.
- Disappointed that he didn’t take a shower - was he not looking forward to intimate time after dinner?
- Feeling awkward to be dressed up so nice, like the people in the restaurant would think it was unusual that I was with him when he was in a baseball cap, etc.
- Insecure - does he not want to be intimate with me? It has been a long time. Maybe he has been avoiding it on purpose.
- Angry - why doesn’t he do the things he says he is going to do (this is when other negatives start to flow out of the room - remembering several requests I had made over the previous week that hadn’t been addressed)
- Resentful - I ask so little and give so much - this doesn’t feel fair! (And here is a list of other things in our relationship that don’t feel fair….. my mind brings out several of the most painful, upsetting ones)
All these thoughts come to me over dinner, when I cannot really address them. The negative emotions starting to leak out more heavily now. I am able to control them very well, however, and try to fight back with positive emotions - enjoying a pleasant dinner with his family, reaching over and rubbing his leg, feeling loved when he gets me another drink without me asking. I am somewhat able to regulate myself in this period of time, however after dinner I realize that I want to address this with him as I am still feeling some of the above emotions and I know I will not be able to move on with our evening together if they are not shared and acknowledged.
I share my feelings… at first very gently, expressing them in a caring manner and hoping that he will understand. He, however, gets quiet and does not contribute much. Now I feel ignored. I have held these negatives in for what feels like an eternity (though has really only been a couple hours) and he isn’t even listening. He doesn’t care - I am right! He doesn’t want to be intimate with me! In fact, he doesn’t even care enough to listen and comfort me when I am upset. I comfort him when he is upset. See! I knew it wasn’t fair. I knew I give too much and he doesn’t give enough! I try to pull the emotions together…. I intellectualize that they are getting out of control and that he DOES care, he just struggles to deal with conflict. I try restating my problems, but this time around some of the other negative emotions from the room enter in as well… so I bring them up, too. He tells me he thinks he understands where I am coming from but little else. Damn! Why can’t he just care about my feelings? I want him to understand and CARE! Doesn’t he know how these things bring out so many bad feelings?
There is a certain tipping point in which I am no longer in control of the flood of these negative emotions… and when I think back on it I refer to it as ‘anything goes’. In anything goes, I never know what emotions and problems and feelings might come flowing out of my mouth. Other problems in the relationship, things that may have happened months or even years ago, problems with children, feelings of hurt, feelings of sadness, problems from childhood, family, life… you name it - once the door to that negative room swings open that much, there is no controlling what might come out. At this point, words do little to quell the beast. No matter how much I try to stop my behavior, to rationalize that the problems I am saying aren’t helping and aren’t even linked to the original issue at hand I cannot.
I start beating myself up inside even as I continue on with all the things that are bothering me. Why am I this way? Why can’t I stop? I am such a bitch. Why is he with me? I hate that I get this way. I know he won’t take my original complaint seriously now. Can’t I just shut my damn mouth? I hate this part of myself.
And when it gets this bad it is like a severe migraine- the only way to fix it is sleep. Sleep seems the only thing I have found that consistently stops the cycle of negativity. It is now about 5 in the morning, and after a long sleep I woke up and instantly remembered the argument but had to really stretch my mind to remember what I was originally upset about. It seemed so small, so minor to have set off such a torrent of emotions. Somehow he loves me enough to be sleeping beside me, and I know when he wakes he won’t dwell on the evening. He has normal emotions, he will be able to compartmentalize it and move on. Damn, I wish I could!
